


The Sins of our Youth

by annber



Category: The Vampire Diaries (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Human, Jeremy and Tyler went to private school together, Kid Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-09
Updated: 2015-12-09
Packaged: 2018-05-05 21:04:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5390327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annber/pseuds/annber
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jeremy Gilbert and Tyler Lockwood roomed together at Windsor Academy nearly eight years ago.<br/>There may or may not have been a torrid affair.</p>
<p>Things are only slightly more complicated now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Sins of our Youth

**Author's Note:**

> So this is an idea I've had rolling around in my head for several years now - I was initially going to do the whole Private School AU thing but I'm gonna start here and possibly work my way back.  
> Possibly.
> 
> Anyway it's been ages since I've written regularly and I'd like to try to come home to Jyler.
> 
> Ps this isn't mpreg bye.

He wakes before his alarm, the quiet of the morning pressing in on him until he has to sit up to breathe.  
  
There is nothing to soothe the ache settled bone deep in his chest.  
Maybe deeper than bone deep.   
He certainly feels tired down to his bones.  
Tired in a way he doesn't let himself admit at any time other than now.  
This – and only this – is his time.  And he can admit how _tired_ he is.  
Tired like sleeping couldn't fix.  Tired in his very being.  
  
His soul?  
He’s more than tired really.  
Lonely – if he wants to put a name to it.   
Tired and lonely enough that it throbs through him in these quiet moments.

  
  
His door inches open and Jeremy is pushing out of bed, immediately concerned.  
            "What are you doing up?" he questions, settling his hands on his hips.  
His son only smiles up at him, completely guileless in the gaps between his teeth.  
  
            "You're still here," he says first, frowning then.  "Why are the lights off?"  
  
It’s only then that Jeremy glances to the windows, noting the alarmingly yellow light peeking around the curtains.  
  
            "Oh h-" he cuts himself off, teeth digging into his tongue.  
_Hell_ he finishes with some relish.  
  
            "Jeremy?"  
            "Yeah," he calls back.   
            "You're still here?  Is Jamie with you?" Nina calls, knocking on the doorframe softly.   
            "Yeah," Jeremy says.  "And power's out."   
            "I'd noticed," Nina returns, amused.  "Guess breakfast is going to be cereal today."  
   
Jamie pumps his little fist and Jeremy has to smile down at him, ruffling his hair as he passed by. 

 

Jeremy's life isn't really that bad.  
And yeah, he supposes that this particular morning of feeling a bit maudlin isn't a perfect example of that.  
  
But he has his son, Hampton James Gilbert, and he has a 9 to 5 with enough child support to keep them more than comfortable.   
His nanny is there when Jeremy can't be and Jeremy knows that when it got too rough, if it got too rough, he could stop working completely.  
He still has a bit of pride left in him that’s all.   
  
Jamie is perfect.   
He is beautiful and sometimes scarily intelligent.   
But Jeremy supposes most children were.   
  
The year before Jamie was born had been awful and the first two years after he was born were pretty terrible too.  Jeremy can admit that.   
  
But now things have more or less evened out and he's okay.  
He's mostly okay. 

 

Jeremy drinks his coffee leaning against the counter, tie still undone as it hangs around his neck.   
Jamie’s thrilled to have his favorite cereal for breakfast, brown eyes nearly squeezed closed in his utter delight.   
  
That’s the thing about Jamie, Jeremy thought, he’s just…almost like pure energy personified.   
It shouldn't be possible – but it is.  
   
Jeremy could never regret Jamie.  Even if this whole thing, fatherhood, had been nowhere in his plans.   
But then for a long while he hadn't had any plans at all.   
So maybe it is what it is.  And maybe that's all.   
  
            "So what are you two up to today?"   
            "We're-"  
            "Going to the park!" Jamie finishes excitedly, a stream of milk running down his chin.  
  
He giggles at himself and wipes his chin with his palm before going back to his cereal.   
  
            "Maybe I should just call off and go with you," Jeremy muses quietly enough that Jamie doesn't hear.   
Nina rolls her eyes at him and pushes him away from the sink.  
  
            "As if you would," she returns.  "You'd better get moving though, you're already late enough."   
            "I already called them," Jeremy informs her, maybe a bit smug.   
  
            "Of course you did," Nina returns easily.  "But I'm willing to bet they didn't just tell you to take the day off."   
  
Jeremy sighs, taking another sip of coffee as Nina smirks and sits at the table again.  
            "Well, no," he admits eventually, mostly to stall going and getting dressed.  "But the power's still off.  I could just call back in and make excuses.  Food in the fridge and all that."  
   
            "Are you asking for permission?" Nina grins sharply a moment before snorting and returning to her own bowl of cereal.   
  
            "Maybe," Jeremy says to his mug.   
            "You're the boss," she says easily and that is more or less the end of the conversation. 

 

They all leave to dress and Jeremy stalls some more, Jamie and Nina beating him to the door.  He watches wistfully as Nina bundles him into his favorite blue jacket.   
            "I really do wish I was going with you," he says.   
  
            "You can go on Sunday," Nina tells him, sparing him a soft smile.  
            "Yeah, yeah!" Jamie cheers, grinning.   
            "We'll see Jam," Jeremy tells him.  "You be good for Nina today."   
At this Jamie rolls his eyes – which Jeremy had _no_ idea where he'd picked up – and huffs.  
            "Duh, Dad."   
  
Jeremy adjusts his tie and crouches to hug his son, smoothing his hair before pressing a loud kiss to his forehead.   
  
Jamie groans at him, sticking out his tongue and shoving at Jeremy's face in the same second.   
  
            "I'm too old for that!" Jamie tells him.   
            "You're only six!" Jeremy objects, laughing.   
            "Six whole _years_ Dad," Jamie says, long suffering.   
            "Oh right," Jeremy agrees, as if he'd forgotten.  "Well take care of Nina then, don't let any strange people lure her away with candy or puppies."   
  
Jamie thinks about that for a second, as if he was thinking about arguing it.   
            "I will," he says eventually.  "But maybe Nina would be less tempted if we had puppies and candy of our own."   
            "Nice try," Jeremy says, pushing to his feet and nudging Jamie with the toe of his shoe.  "Go on."   
  
            "Bye Dad!"   
            "Bye Jam."  Jeremy glances back to Nina.  "Bye Nina," he adds.   
            "Bye Jeremy," she returns.  She holds out her hand for Jamie to take, only opening the door when he has. 

  
  
Jeremy grabs his jacket out of his closet, checking for his keys and wallet before heading out himself. 

He’s five blocks from work when he remembers his dream from the night before, nearly running a red light as it comes flooding back to him.  
  
He slams on the breaks, tires squealing and his body jerking in the seat as he forces himself to breathe out.   
  
It isn't a dream – not really.   
It’s a memory.         
   
A simple one at first glance.  But it really meant so much more than that.  
   
Jeremy feels vaguely ill.  For a second he swears he could smell the paint still.   
A horn honks somewhere behind him and Jeremy blinks rapidly, putting the car in motion again. 

Tyler Lockwood was part of his past.  Jeremy has accepted that.   
And he firmly acknowledges that the past was where Tyler was staying.   
  
But for those few months – god it was like a gay Nicholas Sparks novel.   
Jeremy's accepted that too.   
  
And like most Nicholas Sparks novels, it had to end poorly. 

  
  
While most of Jeremy wishes he couldn't remember that – he does.   
  
He thinks about it sometimes.   
Not very often, but sometimes.   
  
He's even dreamt about all the different ways it could have ended.  Maybe the different ways it _should_ have ended.   
Some days he gets angry about it and some days he gets sad about it and most days are the days Jeremy doesn't let himself think about it.   
  
But he remembers Tyler leaving.  And as much as he wishes he'd grabbed onto him, his hand, his wrist, his book bag strap – anything at all, he hadn't.   
He'd been so angry.  So absolutely shattered.   
And the smell of paint still makes him feel sick.   
  
Jeremy wishes he could have made Tyler stay – but he knows that wasn't possible.   
He sighed and ran a hand over his forehead before flicking forward in the memories of Tyler.

The fight hadn't been the last. 

He'd gotten closure.  Some form of it at least.

 

_It was an unknown number so Jeremy stared at the lit screen for several seconds in silent debate before he answered.  
            "Hello?"  
            "Jeremy."   
  
It wasn't a question and Jeremy gripped the phone tighter as his chest ached.  
  
            "Tyler?"  There was a beat of silence as Jeremy hoped desperately he was wrong, even though he already knew he wasn't.   
            "Yeah," he finally admitted softly.   
  
Jeremy bit his lip and stood, crossing to the door before closing it.  
            "How did you even get this number?"   
            "I may have," another pause and Jeremy pictured Tyler shifting in his bed, "broken into the headmaster's office."   
  
Jeremy's eyebrows rose in surprise.  
            "You serious?"  
            "Alright so I paid a freshman to do it," Tyler admitted.  "The file keeping is very thorough here.  I didn't expect to find your cell phone number."  
  
Jeremy nearly laughed but it stuck in his throat and he leaned against the door before letting himself sink down.  
  
            "So why are you calling?"  He almost didn't want to ask but he had to.  He knew he did.  
            "It's not right, the way we left things."  
            "Oh," Jeremy let out, nearly agreeing.   
  
He understood then.  This was goodbye.   
  
"Oh," he said again.   
It sounded sadder to him.  But that was stupid.  What had he been expecting?  
A miracle?  
  
            "Jeremy, I'm sorry."  
Jeremy swallowed slowly, tears filling his eyes.  
            "No," he murmured.  "No, don't apologize."   
  
            "Jeremy-"  
            "Just wait okay?  Just let me get this out."  
  
There was an urgency now clinging to Jeremy's skin.  If they never spoke again there were things he _ had _to say.  
            "Alright," Tyler agreed softly.   
Jeremy took a deep breath.   
  
            "I was…  I was wrecked, alright?"  He took a shaky breath.  "I didn't want to die anymore, I had enough to hold onto.  But I didn't want to live either.  I was killing time.  I was waiting to die."   
  
Tyler made a small sound at that but Jeremy continued.  
  
"And then there you were."  He paused again and smiled to himself.  "There you _ were _.  I think it was meant to happen Tyler.  All of it.  I have to think it was meant to happen.  Because you inspired me again."_ You fixed me _he didn't say.  "You saved my life."  
  
            "I didn't," Tyler murmured.  "I just held you up long enough.  Just as long as you needed."  
  
  
It was silent then, for a few moments.  
  
            "I want you to know I'm trying to change.  I know it's too late and I can't ask you to wait around for me.  Even though I want to.  I guess I'm stupid like that.  But I want you to know.  Okay Jer, I need you to know.  I hate what I did.  I hate this right now.  I wish it was different and I wish I could help you."  
  
Jeremy scrubbed at his cheeks quickly, lifting the phone away so he could suck in a quick breath.  
"God this is coming out all wrong, I'm sorry."  
  
            "It's okay," Jeremy told him.  "I know how you feel."  
  
_

_"I loved you Jer."  
More tears pushed out at that and Jeremy bit at the underside of his wrist.   
            "I loved you too," he admitted on a rough, breathy whisper.   
  
They fell silent again and Jeremy was sure Tyler was wondering the same thing he was.  
What now?  How were they supposed to end this?  
  
Tyler gasped suddenly before cursing in French and Jeremy smiled even as he spoke again.  
"Are you okay?"  
            "Yeah," Tyler breathed eventually, "for the most part."  
            "Okay."  
            "Don't stop sketching again, alright?"  
            "No, I won't," Jeremy replied, "I didn't."  
            "Good."   
  
Another pause.  
            "Tyler?"  
            "Yeah?"   
  
            "Be happy, okay?  Promise you'll be happy."   
  
Tyler sighed and when he spoke again he almost sounded defeated.  
  
            "I'll try.  I promise."  
Jeremy smiled, just a little.   
  
That was it.  That was all he could ask for.  
  
            "Goodbye Tyler."  
            "Goodbye Jeremy."   
  
Jeremy waited a beat before forcing himself to hang up.   
No lies about keeping in touch.  It was almost comforting. _

 

 

Painful as it was – Jeremy wishes that was his last memory of Tyler.  
  
It isn't. 

 

_It had been a Tuesday – which was perhaps the most ridiculous thing to remember.  
  
But Jamie and Jeremy had been having dinner, informal on the couch with cartoons playing on the TV when there was a knock at the door.   
  
Jeremy set his plate carefully on the couch between them and told Jamie to,  
            "Stay here, okay?" waiting for a nod before climbing off the couch and heading for the door.   
  
Tyler looked good.  Perfect really.   
Jeremy bit at his lip and swallowed, knowing his eyes were too wide as he stared at him.   
  
            "Um.  Hey," Tyler said.   
  
It was then that Jeremy noticed the bouquet of flowers clutched awkwardly in his hand.  And the smear of white paint along his thumb.   
  
_ Fuck _Jeremy thought absently._

_  
  
Of course – he knew Tyler was an artist.  That he was doing well enough for himself.  Google was useful like that.   
  
            "Tyler – I uh," Jeremy remembered Jamie suddenly, like a stab of thought from the back of his brain.  
   
He stepped out, forcing Tyler back, and mostly closed the door behind him.   
"I – how are you here?" he finally blurted.   
Tyler flushed at that, flowers dropping a few centimeters as he shifted his stance and lowered them a bit.   
  
            "I got a hold of your aunt.  Sorry."  
            "You what?"   
Jeremy felt dizzy.   
  
            "Your old number didn't work?  I'm – shit I'm sorry."  He lowered the flowers totally then, taking a full step back.  "Your aunt didn't give me the impression that you would be averse to seeing me but I guess she doesn't know everything about your life I'm – I overstepped.  Sorry."  _

_"I-" Jeremy cut himself off.  He probably shouldn't tell Tyler he wasn't dating anyone.  Let him draw his own conclusions.  "I wasn't expecting to see you," he said weakly.  
  
            "No."  Tyler laughed and Jeremy still knew him well enough to see how uncomfortable he was.  "I had a show in town and I just…I just thought, what the hell?  You know?  It's been a while maybe things could – we could – but it's been a while."  He watched Jeremy for a long moment and Jeremy honestly felt stripped bare.  "It's been too long," Tyler said next.  "I guess."   
            "Yeah," Jeremy agreed._

_What other choice was there?  
It wasn't like he hadn't thought about it himself.   
But it was too much to ask for – he knew. _

_  
  
            "It's not, it's not really a great time right now."   
            "Yeah," Tyler nodded.  "Well it was good to see you again Jeremy."   
  
Jeremy didn't have anything to say to that but he desperately wanted to have something.   
For just one brilliantly insane moment Jeremy fantasized letting Tyler in, introducing him to Jamie and waiting for his reaction.   
  
Like that was going to work out?   
  
"Do you still sketch?" Tyler asked.  "Maybe we could…sometime."   
            "I haven't lately," Jeremy said honestly, "just busy," he added quickly at the twist of Tyler's expression.  "Work.  Things.  You know."   
  
Tyler nodded, glancing down a moment.   
  
            "Here," he said, offering the flowers.  "It's dumb but…throwing them away seems even sadder."   
  
  
Jeremy had to force his arm to move, unclenching his fingers to accept the bundle of stems.   
            "Thank you," he said.  Because it seemed right to and he was so terribly charmed.  _

_"I'll just…" Tyler said but didn't finish.  
He leaned into Jeremy's space, brushing a brief kiss against his cheek._

_He doesn’t really mean to reach out, but he does anyway._

_He’s holding on to Tyler so tightly it hurts to breathe._

_Maybe all of this just hurts too much to breathe._

_“It was good to see you,” Jeremy can’t help saying._

_He glances a flash of ink as he releases Tyler’s coat, low on his neck._

_Tyler has tattoos he thinks absently._

_“Yeah,” Tyler says.  
He claps a hand on Jeremy’s shoulder.  
“I know.”  _

_It feels like he’s letting Jeremy off easy._

_Like he’s letting Jeremy go._

_It breaks Jeremy’s heart._

 

 

Jeremy exhales sharply, much like he had then.  He parks and runs a hand down his face before climbing out of his car and locking it up.   
  
He forces his thoughts away from Tyler and even away from Jamie – heading into the office instead.


End file.
